I haven’t written in a long time….but the past 3 weeks have basically been a blur….and my thoughts have not been very coherent. Well….I’m not sure they are now….but I NEEDED to share….to try and help ME.
Mike has been fine. His platelet count is low again (appears that occurs with the month of Revlimid) but he has been able to continue his chemo treatments. This Thursday will be the “test” since it is the last one before the Melphalin IVs (with Velcade) start next week.
Our issue has been our youngest son. He has always been nearly “perfect” and maybe that was too much stress….I’m not sure. But since his Dad’s diagnosis last year….he has become another person. 😦 He use to be one of the happiest people I know….low stress….always smiling…very self-confident. I was always proud of his good attitude and his good choices.
He graduated two weeks ago with lots of honors….including Valedictorian. It should have been a joyous occassion….and it was….but it wasn’t what we “planned”. We had to place him in a “treatment center” the Friday before….and just with the Grace of God….and a wonderful man in his life….he was able to get out and participate in his high school graduation!
Mike and I went for a “family session” at the treatment center last week for 3 days. But we knew when we got to spend time with him on the 3rd day….he still wasn’t “our Ian”. It broke our hearts.
He came home on Sunday and we had a little hope. He seemed some happier and he told us he was going to stay at home with us. That made us very happy. But in less than 12 hours….he had gotten the drug, used it, got caught by us, and run away.
It is so sad….that is the only word I can use. My heart is breaking for so many people….his two brothers who are so upset with him and who worry that he is hurting their Dad’s health….his Dad….who I hate to see him being so quiet, worried and hurt….all the family who we have yet to tell what is going on….and me….I have never felt this sad before in my life. But yet….I go on….going into work each day…sending upbeat emails to family….pretending everything is fine. And I almost hate myself for “faking through life”. Of course, I expressed some of my sadness on facebook yesterday and people immediately started writing out of concern. Shocked me so….I know it IS important to pretend everything is fine. Of course, some of those “friends” who I thought I have….didn’t even respond to anything. Another sadness, I guess.
Thank goodness that there are a close friends that I have been able to share some of my thoughts & concerns with….and they have helped. But I’m never honest with everyone. Another reason for sadness. I just feel all alone.
But just when I am at a new “low”….I get reminded by some of my MM friends….that I have so much to be grateful for. One friend has just found out her daughter has been diagnosed with cancer….so now, not only does she have to worry about her husband, but her daughter too. My heart breaks for her. Another friend, whose husband is in a very critical time in his MM treatment, reached out to me, offering her full support and prayers. How amazing. I can only say that I am blessed to know such wonderful, strong, caring, loving women….and I am grateful that they (YOU) are part of my life.
So to you…..know that I am grateful! You give me strength to go on and believe that things will get better and the sun will shine again.