Sadness but Grateful

I haven’t written in a long time….but the past 3 weeks have basically been a blur….and my thoughts have not been very coherent. Well….I’m not sure they are now….but I NEEDED to share….to try and help ME.

Mike has been fine. His platelet count is low again (appears that occurs with the month of Revlimid) but he has been able to continue his chemo treatments. This Thursday will be the “test” since it is the last one before the Melphalin IVs (with Velcade) start next week.

Our issue has been our youngest son. He has always been nearly “perfect” and maybe that was too much stress….I’m not sure. But since his Dad’s diagnosis last year….he has become another person. 😦  He use to be one of the happiest people I know….low stress….always smiling…very self-confident. I was always proud of his good attitude and his good choices.

He graduated two weeks ago with lots of honors….including Valedictorian. It should have been a joyous occassion….and it was….but it wasn’t what we “planned”. We had to place him in a “treatment center” the Friday before….and just with the Grace of God….and a wonderful man in his life….he was able to get out and participate in his high school graduation!

Mike and I went for a “family session” at the treatment center last week for 3 days. But we knew when we got to spend time with him on the 3rd day….he still wasn’t “our Ian”. It broke our hearts.

He came home on Sunday and we had a little hope. He seemed some happier and he told us he was going to stay at home with us. That made us very happy. But in less than 12 hours….he had gotten the drug, used it, got caught by us, and run away.

It is so sad….that is the only word I can use. My heart is breaking for so many people….his two brothers who are so upset with him and who worry that he is hurting their Dad’s health….his Dad….who I hate to see him being so quiet, worried and hurt….all the family who we have yet to tell what is going on….and me….I have never felt this sad before in my life. But yet….I go on….going into work each day…sending upbeat emails to family….pretending everything is fine. And I almost hate myself for “faking through life”. Of course, I expressed some of my sadness on facebook yesterday and people immediately started writing out of concern. Shocked me so….I know it IS important to pretend everything is fine. Of course, some of those “friends” who I thought I have….didn’t even respond to anything. Another sadness, I guess.

Thank goodness that there are a close friends that I have been able to share some of my thoughts & concerns with….and they have helped. But I’m never honest with everyone. Another reason for sadness. I just feel all alone. 

But just when I am at a new “low”….I get reminded by some of my MM friends….that I have so much to be grateful for. One friend has just found out her daughter has been diagnosed with cancer….so now, not only does she have to worry about her husband, but her daughter too. My heart breaks for her. Another friend, whose husband is in a very critical time in his MM treatment, reached out to me, offering her full support and prayers. How amazing. I can only say that I am blessed to know such wonderful, strong, caring, loving women….and I am grateful that they (YOU) are part of my life.

    So to you…..know that I am grateful! You give me strength to go on and believe that things will get better and the sun will shine again.

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About Angie Murray

As an attempt to voice my "madness" concerning Multiple Myeloma and life, I have started this blog.
This entry was posted in Coping, Sadness. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Sadness but Grateful

  1. Susan says:

    Hi Angie,

    I am new to following your blog. I am also a fairly new to multiple myeloma – just diagnosed at the end of March. Life is difficult and challenging for sure, for us as adults and for our children. Just as those of us with MM and our spouses/caregivers feel fear and stress with the disease, I think our kids feel the fear and stress, too. But they have added stress – they’re teenagers trying to figure our their own lives and future. I think they struggle with guilt, too – guilt at leaving home when there is a chronic and serious illness. How can they feel excited and share that excitement when there is MM in the life of someone they love? I think it’s a big question that they struggle with. (I have a teenager, too!) I think the best we can do is to have faith that we have raised them well and given them the tools and skills to lay a foundation for their lives, show support and excitement in their future, and pray (a lot!). As much as my family worries about me, I tell my husband that our lives cannot always be about me. We’re a family and everyone’s needs must count – your husbands, your sons and yours.

    I hope you don’t feel alone. We’re all trying to figure out life now that this disease has invaded our homes. We do the best we can do and no one can ask more of us! Take good care!!! – Susan

  2. Angie Murray says:

    Thank you so much Susan. I hate you had to find me because you have MM….but I appreciate your wise & kind words. Each day is a new day….and we do the best we can….all of us. Thanks for your kindness and I’m wishing you well in this battle of MM. We are a year in….and we are still learning too. 🙂 Thanks again….

  3. karen says:

    hi angie,
    what coiurage you have shown in sharing how difficult it is to deal with the pain you wrote about; lonliness, anxiety, disappointment, and feeling as though you have to put on a brave face, while hurting so badly inside.
    hurting on behalf of your son, his siblings, and mike, too, makes the sadness and pain so much more intense. but i agree with susan – we do the best we can, and no one can ask more of us. keep practicing the art of appreciation that you are sooooo good at,, and grab hold of your faith and hang on tight. cling to all the good news about mike, and do whatever you can to bring comfort and ease to your heart. you DESERVE to have every kindness, and to feel that you ARE doing the best you can…one day at a time, or one minute, or one hour – whatever you need. i hope you know that there is a lot of love, empathy, and warm wishes out there, for you and your whole family.
    warm hugs,
    karen

  4. Angie Murray says:

    Karen….I so needed that today. Thank you so much! Your kindness warms my heart.

  5. Rita Sparks says:

    Ahhh sweet Angie, Sometimes we do what you have to do to survive, smiling and pretending all is well is a way to cope and/ or survive in difficult situations. I sooooooo wish I would make things better for you. The truth is that our hope, peace, strength and even joy comes from the One who paid it all. Praying that He will shower you with the hope, peace, strength and joy that only comes from Him above. Love you!

  6. Rene says:

    Angie-
    We had been on vacation so I am just catching up on emails and blog posts. I am so sorry that your family is having to go through this difficult time along with all the other “stuff” that’s going on as well. Like so many others have commented….what courage it took for you to share your feelings but I’m sure you found a freedom in doing so. I pray too, that you and your family are feeling God’s Presence and Power in amazing ways! And remember, you are not alone.

    Love,
    Rene

  7. Lori Puente says:

    I too have been away and I thought I had subscribed, but evidently not! I’m so very sorry to hear of Ian’s troubles and the obvious pain this brings on all of you. Sadly, I have intimate knowledge of how these things can rip into a family in a way that brings nothing but heartache. The hope, promise and opportunities squandered by those we love so dear. Like MM, the numbers for survival are horrible, but there is hope. Hope that Ian will be one of the ones who figures it out and gets back to all those who love him and what will truly make him happy. There is a very intense and moving book called The Lost Years: http://thelostyearsbook.com/

    Let me know if you need anything, anything at all. It is counterintuitive to let Ian go on a journey such as this, on his own. Sometimes just preparing yourself to do that will help to turn things around.

    Hugs,

    Lori

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