Lacking for Words

Okay….okay….with a little “push” from Lori (my hero) today….here I am. She reminded me that it has been almost 60 days. What can I say? I have been lacking in words. So much has happened…..it is hard to even remember what has! I’m still “worn out” from it all….so instead of paragraph form….I may do bullets. 🙂  I’ll try to remember everything…..but no promises…hopefully I’ll remember the highlights at least. And I can’t promise they will be in order. 😦

Last time I left you….we were using “tough love” and had called Ian’s PO to say that he had returned home. He had left to be taken to the juvenille detention center (again).

* We saw Ian on Friday (he was picked up on Wednesday) at the courthouse. Okay, I didn’t see him in handcuffs. But with foot-shackles wasn’t much easier. 😦 It went fine. Judge appeared tough (but because we have the great PO that Ian was blessed to have – we knew most everything that was coming). He was found “guilty” and was to stay in JD for a week and half before “sentencing”.

* We saw him again on Sunday….but through glass and phone. It is about as heart-breaking as it seems on tv. He was “okay”.

* We visited again with him on the following Sunday, which happened to be Father’s Day. That was bittersweet. But we did get to spend time with both of the other boys that week-end…so we were grateful for that.

* That visit….it was a different child. Almost OUR child again. 🙂 He was happy, laughing, could see some sparkle in his eyes again. He also told us that he IS going to Berry college and playing baseball. He also wants to play baseball this summer. (We had mentioned that at the last meeting but he didn’t seem interested at all). He was so looking forward to getting out on Wednesday.

* The following Tuesday, his new PO brought him to see a psychologist (that was another story with trying to get that set up….but I’ll refrain). I met them there. Again, foot-shackles. It was very sad to see him out in public with them.

* His court date was the following day. He was expecting to get out that day. We knew that he wasn’t (based on conversations with his PO) but we did not tell him that. He needed to experience that himself and understand that he (nor us) were “in control” anymore. He would have to face his consequences. Oh….Mike woke up that morning sick with stomach cramps….so I went to court alone. I did get to visit with Ian a little before he went back. The judge told him that he had to stay in detention until Sunday. He also required him to stay in our care and to attend the Berry College orientation (which we were leaving for on Sunday). He was sad because he wanted so badly to go home….but he was learning a lesson.

* We picked up Ian that Sunday at noon and headed to Rome, Ga. He seemed more like himself and we were thrilled. It was a great two days at Berry and he seemed to have lots of fun and met lots of nice people. Of course, worry was present too. (Still is for that matter).

* Basically….that is an update on Ian. Sure, we’ve had a few run-ins since then….but NO DRUGS! He still makes me smile 99% of them time and I’m glad he is my son. In summary, if you know of anyone that has a child with drug problems…..please encourage “tough love” and also know that it takes a LONG time for those drugs to get out of their body. I think with the 2 weeks at Bradford and then 2.5 weeks in detention…..with only one use of the drug during that time….was what helped his mind clear enough to see what was happening. I also seeing the type of kids at the DC….he was finally clear enough to see who they were as well….and that he didn’t belong there.

Update on Mike:

* His numbers have been good. No real problems to discuss. But I do know that he worries more than he admits.

* His energy level has been up some. He & Ian went to a baseball tournament without me….so he basically had to do everything without me for 7 days. I think it was a good start for him to realize that he can do more than he was doing. Of course, he didn’t have much of a choice. But since that time, he has been doing more and I have been letting him.

* He is on his last week of the oral chemo (every other month) so his energy level is real low now. But I would say only for the past 4 days or so…..and two months ago….it was for about 2 weeks. So I would call that progress. 🙂

* We go to Little Rock the end of August. So grateful not to have to worry about work (see below) and know that I will be with him.

Update on me:

* Besides the above, my big announcement is that I quit work. 🙂 No….I’m not sure it is the right thing to do. It seems to be the “least logical” thing to do….and I am normally a “logical” person….so I’m struggling a little with it.

* I was very unhappy at work. I did not enjoy some of the unprofessional behavior that I worked around and my stress level was high. After the stress with Mike, then Ian….I just couldn’t handle much more. I did some deep soul searching and some deep financial planning and we determined that I could do it. There are numerous people there that I will miss….but I hope that our friendship will continue no matter what. And I’ll try to make the effort to ensure that happens.

* We will, of course, keep the insurance….using Cobra for 18 months….then Mike can switch to Medicare. I will be working way before that….so I will be able to have insurance for me.

* We don’t have any “definite” plans. We just got back from 11 days away….visiting family & the beach. It was wonderful! We are home for a few days (Ian gets his wisdom teeth removed tomorrow) but we plan on leaving again Saturday to head to the mountains to visit my parents for 5 days. Then we’ll just have 5 days at home before taking Ian to college.

* I’ve had a little guilt about college too. I’m not one of the “sad” moms. I’m looking forward to Ian going. Maybe it is because I was so concerned that this day would never come….so I was no longer taking it for granted. Or maybe it is because I think it will be less stressful and that I won’t worry all the time, like I do now…..where he is, with who, doing what. I guess I’m thinking the new change….new people….new environment….he will make the wise choices that he has failed to make in the past year. And that I know he has been raised to make!

So….there you go…..the Madness of the Murrays.

On a different note (but one of stress as well)….I have three MM friends that have been going through a rough time. One whose husband is in the hospital and who has gone through a rough few months, one whose husband had to return from a trip due to pain (but he is feeling better) and one whose husband just found out that the MM has returned.

I constantly think of them and worry for them….and then (as they understand) I worry about Mike. But that is just part of the MM journey I guess. But I am grateful for all the wonderful people I have met throughout this journey and my prayers continue for each of the MM friends that I have made.

Guess that is why I am throwing “logic” to the wind…..and flying by the seat of my pants. And I plan to figure out how to let this “stress” go…..and enjoy the ride!!!!!

Okay…..Lacking for Words…..is the title….because I thought that is why I haven’t written….but I think I had the words….I was just too busy to express them. Thanks to each of you for keeping up with me and worrying and praying and caring.

Yes, life is hard….but I’m counting my blessings!

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About Angie Murray

As an attempt to voice my "madness" concerning Multiple Myeloma and life, I have started this blog.
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4 Responses to Lacking for Words

  1. Lori Puente says:

    Well! It’s nice to get a real catch up! Gleaned here and there from you FB posts, but nice to get a fuller scoop, though I’m sure there is more. You’re doing great!

  2. karen says:

    WOW! angie, i cannot tell you how relieved, thrilled, and happy i was to see this post. girl, YOU ROCK! look at all you have weathered, and you’re still up on your hind legs! your darling ian is ensconced in his college life and has a chance at a new beginning,, mike is doing well, finding his way and doing more (thanks to your wise decision to let him!), and your self-protective mechanisms over-ruled “logic” and got you the heck outta that toxic environment at work. you are amazing! i think a lot of people will be influenced by your story of coping with the difficult chapter of ian’s problems and your message about “tough love” , too. i am in awe of your strength, courage, and resolve to take care of the caregiver in you; do not spend a second feeling guilty about the relief you feel at ian’s departure – all is as it should be. live, love, and love living in new-found freedom from all these past months of stress and turmoil, and enjoy every second of your travels. i missed you. warm hugs, karen.

  3. Rita Sparks says:

    Love getting the update! I admire your courage, determination, and sweet sprit. Girl, you have had more than your share of trials. So, here’s hoping the next stage in life bring you lots of fun and laughter with family, peace, and comfort. No guilt allowed…Be thankful you’re son is moving on to better things…Make it a joyful time. After all, you deserve a “ride” that is a little less bumpy! What an inspiration you are! Love you and hope to see you soon!

  4. Angie Murray says:

    Lori, Karen & Rita…..how can I express my appreciation for your kindness & caring. I am blessed!

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